I have so many things I want to do with my life and not enough time

I am so ready for this school nonsense to be done with and to just fast forward 5 years in my life. I want to be doing something I love and living on my own. I don't know if I want to be married then or not. I am still not sure what to do about boys now and so how will I know in five years what I want? I want to have a nice apartment decorated with a semi-eclectic do it yourself look. I don't always want to be put together and perfect. I want just the right amount of messy. I do not foresee kids in my future but I guess i would accept them willingly. I want to work with poverty or injustice issues. I want to drive a nice car with maybe a nice loud exhaust...gotta get those heads turning. I want to be living on my own time. Seeing the world. Traveling. Being spontaneous.  No matter if I get these all I do know one thing. I want to be. 

pink fluffy flamingo

I love my pink fluffy flamingo pen. It is awesome. =] be jealous.

Sonic

Watching some sonic =]

nursing skillz

I get to use my stethoscope tomorrow and learn how to take vital signs. insert nervous face....

please believe me

I live in a world where I fear no one believes me. They don't understand me. They don't even care to try. I came across some statistics today that troubled me. Do people know about us? The light switch kids? Oh yeah, the ones they couldn't label until 1980 as Bipolar. It breaks my heart to think that people believe nothing is wrong with me. That I am not faking every GOD DAMN TIME I TELL THEM I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. That people thinking joking about that is funny. It breaks my heart knowing that all of last semester I would have time EVERY SINGLE DAY where I wanted to hang myself from the balcony in my dorm building. I wanted to hanging there dead pale and white in a beautiful outfit with my friends standing around me wondering what they could have done. I wanted to write them all very personal letters and drop them so they would be strewn all over the floor. I wanted the cops to come and cut my dead body down, call my parents, and hand out those letters. I wanted so badly to be dead. But I do call it the light switch disorder for a reason. I would have this god awful times every day or almost every day mixed with times of overly happy and dreamlike ideas and fantasies. I wanted to dance around the sun. I felt so ALIVE. It was as if all the other times didn't matter. I felt like I could do everything my heart desired. These were also the times that I drank a lot. I felt invincible. Now, I am on medication. It makes me flat lined. I am boring now. I have no ups or downs, well mini ones. I am told this is what it is like to be "normal" to have a stable condition. I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO GET THOSE PERIODS OF MANIA BACK THOUGH. Even if it mean that I have to take a fall with the depression. I miss being a light switch. I know this is more convenient for everyone else. But it doesn't feel right to me. I know the risks of stopping my medicine and I am not ready for that yet. But I miss being me. 

the big squishy mob of pillows

I love my bed and its mass of big squishy pillows and warm blankets =] and oh yeah its one of those awesome standard college mattresses in twin XL that is uncomfortable without the squishy foam mattress pad!!!! I love this big squishy bundle of fun!!!!

Yeah I messed up again. sorry.

I have had a lot of luck losing friends. Apparently I am a terrible human being and can manage to F*** everything up all the time. It is super frustrating considering I feel like shit because of these migraines all the time and they are not getting any better. I am ready to go home. Or somewhere else where all this misery is taken away. I feel like not only a terrible person but I always feel like I am going to throw up or explode. It is the shittiest I have ever felt and the medications are doing nothing to take away some of the pain. 

Fruity Snacks

om nom nom nom fruity snacks

oops. my bad. I F***d that one up again

I suck at boys and relationships and tend to fuck myself over. boo. I never realize how good I got it until I lose it. Maybe I should pay more attention to this.

Ahhh the weekend a time to get  nothing productive done and regret it the next week. It been an amazing Labor day weekend so far. Just chilling with friends and coming up the with the craziest schemes and inside jokes. This leads me to believe that future weekends will be filled with just as much fun...if not more. I learned that I should just pack a suit case and move into the townhouses every weekend because that is where I lived anyways. The weekend has been packed with shopping, hanging out, food, more shopping, puffy painting, dancing, singing, laughing and a ton of walking. It was so much fun and a great way to get rid of all the calories we ingested. Hey, I like ice cream for dinner. =]