please believe me

I live in a world where I fear no one believes me. They don't understand me. They don't even care to try. I came across some statistics today that troubled me. Do people know about us? The light switch kids? Oh yeah, the ones they couldn't label until 1980 as Bipolar. It breaks my heart to think that people believe nothing is wrong with me. That I am not faking every GOD DAMN TIME I TELL THEM I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. That people thinking joking about that is funny. It breaks my heart knowing that all of last semester I would have time EVERY SINGLE DAY where I wanted to hang myself from the balcony in my dorm building. I wanted to hanging there dead pale and white in a beautiful outfit with my friends standing around me wondering what they could have done. I wanted to write them all very personal letters and drop them so they would be strewn all over the floor. I wanted the cops to come and cut my dead body down, call my parents, and hand out those letters. I wanted so badly to be dead. But I do call it the light switch disorder for a reason. I would have this god awful times every day or almost every day mixed with times of overly happy and dreamlike ideas and fantasies. I wanted to dance around the sun. I felt so ALIVE. It was as if all the other times didn't matter. I felt like I could do everything my heart desired. These were also the times that I drank a lot. I felt invincible. Now, I am on medication. It makes me flat lined. I am boring now. I have no ups or downs, well mini ones. I am told this is what it is like to be "normal" to have a stable condition. I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO GET THOSE PERIODS OF MANIA BACK THOUGH. Even if it mean that I have to take a fall with the depression. I miss being a light switch. I know this is more convenient for everyone else. But it doesn't feel right to me. I know the risks of stopping my medicine and I am not ready for that yet. But I miss being me.